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Thursday, July 19, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A Happy Birthday
Yesterday was my son Elijah's first birthday. I still can hardly believe it.
In one sense, it doesn't seem so long ago that our litte family had only 3 people in it. Ethan was king, commanding nearly every moment of attention between my and Marc's waking hours (and some of the night!) It seems that even less time has passed since the moment I was holding Eli's little body to my chest, still blue and purple as he took his first breaths.
Yet a year has passed. In another sense, it is hard to imagine my days without Eli's sunny smile. He is happy most of the time and loves to laugh. He is patient with Ethan and with me. He is such a joy in our family!
To celebrate a one-year-old's birthday is much easier than an older child. Their likes and joys are so much simpler! Eli would be happy with most things, but it was fun to please him with some of his favorite things. He received a fun toy from us after Ethan went down for his nap, which meant that he got to play with it first all by himself, before Ethan could take over.
For dinner we had some of his favorite foods: fish sticks, fries, strawberries, and chocolate milk (we only left out eggs.)
After dinner we got out his other present, a splash pad that is hooked up to a hose. He and Ethan had a blast!
Then it was time for cake! I usually make my kids' birthday cakes, but this year we had just come home from a long weekend of fun at the first Fuentes family reunion. So I had to pick from whatever was at the Smith's bakery. To my luck and surprise, there was a cute Sesame Street one. Perfect!
I think that it is the prerogative if every one-year-old to get to eat cake with their hands. When else will he get to do this again? I'm sure that feeling the soft and squishy cake in your hands must be delightful to a little person.
To end a wonderful day, Eli fell asleep in my arms as we all watched "Tangled" together. I took him to his room and couldn't seem to set him down. I sat and watched him sleep in my arms as the room grew darker, so peaceful, so perfect. I almost didn't want the moment to end; I wanted to keep him in my arms and keep the day. The feeling reminded me of a poem I read recently by one of my favorite poets Ted Kooser.
A Happy Birthday
This evening, I sat by an open window
and read till the light was gone and the book
was no more than a part of the darkness.
I could easily have switched on a lamp,
but I wanted to ride this day down into night,
to sit alone and smooth the unreadable page
with the pale gray ghost of my hand.
In one sense, it doesn't seem so long ago that our litte family had only 3 people in it. Ethan was king, commanding nearly every moment of attention between my and Marc's waking hours (and some of the night!) It seems that even less time has passed since the moment I was holding Eli's little body to my chest, still blue and purple as he took his first breaths.
Yet a year has passed. In another sense, it is hard to imagine my days without Eli's sunny smile. He is happy most of the time and loves to laugh. He is patient with Ethan and with me. He is such a joy in our family!
To celebrate a one-year-old's birthday is much easier than an older child. Their likes and joys are so much simpler! Eli would be happy with most things, but it was fun to please him with some of his favorite things. He received a fun toy from us after Ethan went down for his nap, which meant that he got to play with it first all by himself, before Ethan could take over.
For dinner we had some of his favorite foods: fish sticks, fries, strawberries, and chocolate milk (we only left out eggs.)
After dinner we got out his other present, a splash pad that is hooked up to a hose. He and Ethan had a blast!
Then it was time for cake! I usually make my kids' birthday cakes, but this year we had just come home from a long weekend of fun at the first Fuentes family reunion. So I had to pick from whatever was at the Smith's bakery. To my luck and surprise, there was a cute Sesame Street one. Perfect!
I think that it is the prerogative if every one-year-old to get to eat cake with their hands. When else will he get to do this again? I'm sure that feeling the soft and squishy cake in your hands must be delightful to a little person.
To end a wonderful day, Eli fell asleep in my arms as we all watched "Tangled" together. I took him to his room and couldn't seem to set him down. I sat and watched him sleep in my arms as the room grew darker, so peaceful, so perfect. I almost didn't want the moment to end; I wanted to keep him in my arms and keep the day. The feeling reminded me of a poem I read recently by one of my favorite poets Ted Kooser.
A Happy Birthday
This evening, I sat by an open window
and read till the light was gone and the book
was no more than a part of the darkness.
I could easily have switched on a lamp,
but I wanted to ride this day down into night,
to sit alone and smooth the unreadable page
with the pale gray ghost of my hand.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Nothing Gold Can Stay
The past few days I have doing a lot of thinking. I have been thinking a lot about my life and how it has turned out.
I have also thought a lot about how time flies so quickly. The days pass, my babies are growing, and life can seem so cyclical. Each day begins the same, ends the same, and contains much of the same in between. Yet I stop and look around for a minute and I can't believe that some of my precious moments are passing and some even fading a little in my memory. Yesterday I got out a book I made for Ethan from the pictures of his first year. I had to wipe the tears from my face as I looked at my baby, my firstborn, turning the pages and talking with me about what he saw. How is it that it has passed? The first precious days with him are gone.
Ethan one day old
Ethan now
Ethan is so independent now. He has such a determined personality. Sometimes I feel that separateness so completely, from the one who once shared my body, lived in the protection of my womb. Sometimes he reminds me that he is not yet gone my grabbing my face with both hands and giving me a wet kiss.
I remember what life was like 5 years ago before I met Marc. I remember how lonely I was and the uncertainty I had about my future. I didn't know what I was going to do when I graduated. I didn't have any attachments other than family, and I didn't completely know where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. My aspirations to become a high school English teacher were so close to being realized, yet seemed insufficient and somewhat hollow.
Of course I dreamed about my future life as an adult as a child and as I grew up, and these dreams all contained relationships and ultimately children. I am a very passionate person. I threw all of this into my schooling as my life progressed. Those in my classes knew how strongly I felt about writing, literature, and education. Nevertheless, it didn't matter how many people I was surrounded by in school that were career focused, and even my own aspirations for intellect and work, I knew that home life and children would be my eventual ultimate passion.
It was for this family that I ached and prayed. I waited while my friends and room-mates went on dates, while they got married, and while they had children. I now realize that my wait was not so long, but at the time the pain seemed acute.
I could never have guessed that I would meet Marc that fall and that things would begin rapidly. That in a few short months I would be married, and few more I would be pregnant.
I had friends that I graduated with that began teaching and fulfilling their career dreams. There were a few that were surprised that a person of my passion did not. How could I have explained to them that I knew that this was the time for a person to be created by me? That this, and no other time, was their time to be alive? It was time for me to be a mother. It was time for Ethan to live.
Before I could get too comfortable and consider working again, that same feeling came. My second son Eli's time had come. It was time for him to live.
Elijah one day old
Eli now
Eli's first days have passed too. He crawls, he laughs, he holds onto me. He is a joy.
The days that I wanted so much are here. Do I dare let them pass me by without a thought? I hope I can cherish them more, before they are gone. They will not keep.
Nothing Gold Can Stay
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief.
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
--Robert Frost
I have also thought a lot about how time flies so quickly. The days pass, my babies are growing, and life can seem so cyclical. Each day begins the same, ends the same, and contains much of the same in between. Yet I stop and look around for a minute and I can't believe that some of my precious moments are passing and some even fading a little in my memory. Yesterday I got out a book I made for Ethan from the pictures of his first year. I had to wipe the tears from my face as I looked at my baby, my firstborn, turning the pages and talking with me about what he saw. How is it that it has passed? The first precious days with him are gone.
Ethan is so independent now. He has such a determined personality. Sometimes I feel that separateness so completely, from the one who once shared my body, lived in the protection of my womb. Sometimes he reminds me that he is not yet gone my grabbing my face with both hands and giving me a wet kiss.
I remember what life was like 5 years ago before I met Marc. I remember how lonely I was and the uncertainty I had about my future. I didn't know what I was going to do when I graduated. I didn't have any attachments other than family, and I didn't completely know where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. My aspirations to become a high school English teacher were so close to being realized, yet seemed insufficient and somewhat hollow.
Of course I dreamed about my future life as an adult as a child and as I grew up, and these dreams all contained relationships and ultimately children. I am a very passionate person. I threw all of this into my schooling as my life progressed. Those in my classes knew how strongly I felt about writing, literature, and education. Nevertheless, it didn't matter how many people I was surrounded by in school that were career focused, and even my own aspirations for intellect and work, I knew that home life and children would be my eventual ultimate passion.
It was for this family that I ached and prayed. I waited while my friends and room-mates went on dates, while they got married, and while they had children. I now realize that my wait was not so long, but at the time the pain seemed acute.
I could never have guessed that I would meet Marc that fall and that things would begin rapidly. That in a few short months I would be married, and few more I would be pregnant.
I had friends that I graduated with that began teaching and fulfilling their career dreams. There were a few that were surprised that a person of my passion did not. How could I have explained to them that I knew that this was the time for a person to be created by me? That this, and no other time, was their time to be alive? It was time for me to be a mother. It was time for Ethan to live.
Before I could get too comfortable and consider working again, that same feeling came. My second son Eli's time had come. It was time for him to live.
Eli's first days have passed too. He crawls, he laughs, he holds onto me. He is a joy.
The days that I wanted so much are here. Do I dare let them pass me by without a thought? I hope I can cherish them more, before they are gone. They will not keep.
Nothing Gold Can Stay
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief.
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
--Robert Frost
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